SWIM STORIES: Razorhook
Tearful testimony marked the beginning of the so-called "Razorhook" trial yesterday in San Francisco. Several disposable razor blades have charged over thirty Masters swimmers with crimes ranging from overuse to assault against a utensil, according to Sgt. David Lansing of the San Francisco police department. The three razor blades attended a shavedown party before last summer's long course Nationals. (At shavedowns, razors are expected to remove not only hair but also a layer of skin and they claim they are ill-equipped for such grueling work).
"When the razors were manufactured," said feminist lawyer Gloria Allred, reading from a prepared statement, "they were told that they could look forward to a life of luxury, skimming the surface of a throat or an armpit every now and again. Some of these Masters Swimmers let their hair grow for months or years without so much as a pluck from a tweezer. My clients are disposable razors, not lawn mowers. Why can't these 'Monsters Swimmers' wax?"
An early attempt by defense attorneys to slander the razors was thwarted on Monday when Judge Mary Tubman ruled past shaving history to be inadmissible. "We have mountains of evidence which suggest that at least two of the razors have been involved in other shavedowns and another has spent considerable time in the panty line area," said attorney Johnnie Cochran to an unimpressed Judge Tubman.
A pink razor, who gave its name only as "Daisy," testified that it was dragged up and down the backs of four male swimmers. "One of them was Greek," it cried, before collapsing in a heap of tears. Judge Tubman then declared a five minute recess for the Daisy to dry off, thus avoiding rust.
A can of Gillette shaving cream was introduced as a surprise defense witness. The can, sporting a snappy white cap which it removed in court, testified to shocked onlookers that one of the plaintiffs, an orange-handled single blade, bragged to a pair of scissors that it had, "sliced the ankle off a butterflier, and I'd do it again."
Allred demanded the statement be thrown out after the jaunty can admitted it had been promised a chance to spray its contents on the thighs of supermodel Cindy Crawford in exchange for the damaging testimony. The orange razor, or "Bic," as it has been dubbed by the press, has maintained from the start that it was passed back and forth between two medley relays before being dumped in the garbage, along with an entry card for the 400 IM. Doctors for Bic claim that inch-long leg hairs are still stuck in its head, while the entry card rests at an intensive care ward, recovering from a severe shred wound.
The prosecution also suffered a setback yesterday as an electric razor was unable to testify due to a malfunctioning AC adapter. An expensive wedding gift some twenty years ago, the buzzing blade was expected to identify the mysterious "Bearded Lady," a female swimmer whose excessive facial hair caused one disposable to throw itself head first into a tiny bar of hotel soap. Allred's legal aid growled a disparaging comment about Radio Shack before throwing the adapter against a wall, prongs first. The plug immediately consulted with several attorneys.
Monday's proceedings were also not without drama. A green razor with a clear handle fascinated the jury by swiveling its twin bladed head. "I am strong enough for a man, but made for a woman," it purred, winking at the surprised jury foreman. A stick of deodorant was threatened with contempt when it cried, "that's my slogan! " Another clear antiperspirant left the galley in protest.
Until recently, razor blades and other lifeless nouns have been unable to address their grievances in the judicial system. Last month however, while reviewing Cuisinart vs Chef Paul Prudomme, the Supreme Court overturned a federal court decision which ruled that appliances and utensils could not sue their owners for abuse. In the largest class action lawsuit of its kind, several thousand tin colanders are now suing the Olive Garden restaurant chain for violent pasta drainage. The razors' legal challenge is the first to be mounted against swimmers, and Wynona Judd's curling iron is said to be monitoring the events carefully.
"When the razors were manufactured," said feminist lawyer Gloria Allred, reading from a prepared statement, "they were told that they could look forward to a life of luxury, skimming the surface of a throat or an armpit every now and again. Some of these Masters Swimmers let their hair grow for months or years without so much as a pluck from a tweezer. My clients are disposable razors, not lawn mowers. Why can't these 'Monsters Swimmers' wax?"
An early attempt by defense attorneys to slander the razors was thwarted on Monday when Judge Mary Tubman ruled past shaving history to be inadmissible. "We have mountains of evidence which suggest that at least two of the razors have been involved in other shavedowns and another has spent considerable time in the panty line area," said attorney Johnnie Cochran to an unimpressed Judge Tubman.
A pink razor, who gave its name only as "Daisy," testified that it was dragged up and down the backs of four male swimmers. "One of them was Greek," it cried, before collapsing in a heap of tears. Judge Tubman then declared a five minute recess for the Daisy to dry off, thus avoiding rust.
A can of Gillette shaving cream was introduced as a surprise defense witness. The can, sporting a snappy white cap which it removed in court, testified to shocked onlookers that one of the plaintiffs, an orange-handled single blade, bragged to a pair of scissors that it had, "sliced the ankle off a butterflier, and I'd do it again."
Allred demanded the statement be thrown out after the jaunty can admitted it had been promised a chance to spray its contents on the thighs of supermodel Cindy Crawford in exchange for the damaging testimony. The orange razor, or "Bic," as it has been dubbed by the press, has maintained from the start that it was passed back and forth between two medley relays before being dumped in the garbage, along with an entry card for the 400 IM. Doctors for Bic claim that inch-long leg hairs are still stuck in its head, while the entry card rests at an intensive care ward, recovering from a severe shred wound.
The prosecution also suffered a setback yesterday as an electric razor was unable to testify due to a malfunctioning AC adapter. An expensive wedding gift some twenty years ago, the buzzing blade was expected to identify the mysterious "Bearded Lady," a female swimmer whose excessive facial hair caused one disposable to throw itself head first into a tiny bar of hotel soap. Allred's legal aid growled a disparaging comment about Radio Shack before throwing the adapter against a wall, prongs first. The plug immediately consulted with several attorneys.
Monday's proceedings were also not without drama. A green razor with a clear handle fascinated the jury by swiveling its twin bladed head. "I am strong enough for a man, but made for a woman," it purred, winking at the surprised jury foreman. A stick of deodorant was threatened with contempt when it cried, "that's my slogan! " Another clear antiperspirant left the galley in protest.
Until recently, razor blades and other lifeless nouns have been unable to address their grievances in the judicial system. Last month however, while reviewing Cuisinart vs Chef Paul Prudomme, the Supreme Court overturned a federal court decision which ruled that appliances and utensils could not sue their owners for abuse. In the largest class action lawsuit of its kind, several thousand tin colanders are now suing the Olive Garden restaurant chain for violent pasta drainage. The razors' legal challenge is the first to be mounted against swimmers, and Wynona Judd's curling iron is said to be monitoring the events carefully.