" ...all week long, the Artist shall enjoy the attentions of a Male. The Male must be a leg man, not a breast man and in possession of a slight southern accent..."
The Rider, July 15, 1997
When you are as famous as me, dear reader (and you probably are), you must
think big. You must believe that one day, you will make it. In anticipation
of that fateful day, I have prepared a rider to accompany my contract. A
rider is the list of quirky demands. Every great performer has one. Van
Halen wanted the green M&M's removed, Kim Basinger wants to bathe in Evian.
I am no different. I too have needs. The following is my rider, which I
will present to comedy clubs when I am too famous to be put on hold.
Laurie Kilmartin, heretofore known as the Artist, shall hear only following response to all requests: "yes." All week long, the Artist shall enjoy the attentions of a Male. The Male must be a leg man, not a breast man and in possession of a slight southern accent, as this dialect makes the Artist weak in the knees. The Male will hand feed the Artist red seedless grapes, which are her favorite. The Male will then rub the Artist's feet; announcing that a daintier and more delicate pair of feet are not to be found, not even in Asia!
The Artist reserves the right to hunt down any former school mates who live in the area, drive by their homes in a stretch limo, stick her most beautiful head out the sunroof and scream, "Ha ha. I'm a star and you're a big, fat nobody!" The Artist will then be declared "fun to hang with," "cool," and "a real kick in the pants" by passers-by.
Artist shall be referred to alternately as; brilliant, beautiful, funny, dazzling, charming, clever and inventive. The club Staff shall consult Roget's Thesaurus mid-week for more adjectives. The Artist shall hear many compliments about her teeth, as the Artist flosses weekly. The Artist shall be the fairest female comedian in the land! The Artist shall always possess the body to pull off that outfit, and the outfit will be determined to be "cute" and "adorable." This shall be done nightly.
As the show revolves around the Artist's material, the Opening Act must not broach the following subjects: Life, cats and dogs. After a difficult show, the Staff will reassure the Artist that the Crowd was indeed stupid and from a redneck part of town. The Staff will then inform her that she is far superior to last week's headliner, especially if last week's headliner is a "very good friend" of the Artist.
The Crowd is to be warned that if they don't laugh at the Artist's jokes, the Artist will blame them, and not herself. The Crowd will then be made to feel intellectually inferior to the Artist and encouraged to read. (The Crowd shall not know that the Artist loves to look at the pretty color pictures in the USA Today and the Star).
During the consumption of food, an overweight Waitress shall ask the Artist how long she has been suffering from "the worst case of anorexia I have ever seen." Club Management will then intervene, insisting that the Artist enjoy a fourth plate of nachos. In the unlikely event that the Artist declines, Management shall admire and wish for her willpower. (It is imperative that Management keep a straight face).
If the Artist mentions that she is almost 32, a Waiter in his early twenties shall perform a spit take and proclaim, "I thought you were younger than me!"
If the Artist is not surrounded by well wishers after the show, homeless families will be showered and posted outside her hotel window. They will be encouraged to chant, "We love you, Laurie," with promises of a hot meal and/or toys for the children. Children will be given flowers to present to the Artist, and they will do so only after a curtsy. Children must ask the Artist neither for a place to live nor for drugs to cure their sick mommies.
The Artist's hissy fits are to be considered proof of her Genius. Her tantrums are to be expected from One so talented. In case of autograph seekers, the Artist agrees to sign her first name only, as the Artist's last name has nine letters in it and one of them is a capital K, which is a tough one to nail after a few drinks. If the Artist farts, the Staff will smell a bouquet of roses. If the Artist burps, the Staff will admire her bravery in the face of limiting female stereotypes.
If the Artist appears drunk and mean onstage, the Crowd shall be encouraged to appreciate being a part of "the creative process." The Staff will stand and clap after each performance in such a manner that the Crowd follows suit. The Crowd will be prevented from leaving so that the Artist may come back for her encore.
At the end of the week, the Management will inform the Artist that no amount of money is just compensation for her presence. The Management will indeed look forward to doubling her pay for her next booking. The Staff, acknowledging an inability to continue living without the Artist, shall follow her to the airport and then commit suicide at her gate.
Management Signature
Staff Signature
Artist Signature X
