"...I'm talking to you, Hillary Clinton, you triangulating whore..."
Pennies and Problems, March 21 2006
My friend the big shot gave me great notes on my Curb. Now, the Curb has already been sent out to all of Hollywood, but of course I can make changes and have a fresher edition for the future. But I'm procrastinating because I thought it was done and OVER. I celebrated. I drank wine. To the end of the Curb! Here here!
Not so fast.
I pitched a treatment to a network a few weeks ago, and they want an episode outline, which I should also be detailing RIGHT NOW. (All caps, people, so you know I mean it.) But my sole obsession is getting rid of an enormous mound of change. It comes from months of throwing all coins in a salad bowl, and it is penny heavy. I hate pennies. I want them gone. And pouring them in a Coinstar doesn't count. Coinstar is for cheaters and the weak of character. I must give exact change for everything I buy, until all the pennies in my salad bowl are gone.
Then I can write.
I'm mad about the state of America. But I'm not angry at Christian fundamentalist Republicans. That would be like hating snakes because they slither. It is the snake handlers I despise. The ones who are too afraid to bag the reptile and throw it headfirst in the ocean. Specifically:
The Women of South Dakota. Your terrorist governor signed legislation to ban abortion. NARAL wants me to send money to help you out, but ladies, if you really felt strongly about your rights, you'd have gotten off your asses in 2004 and voted to retain them. And don't tell me you work on Tuesdays so you can't vote. A) You can absentee vote, and you can ever request and absentee ballot by mail. B) When you eventually have to take the Greyhound to Minnesota to get an abortion, you will be taking off a hell of alot more than one Tuesday. I guess you can hide your identity with a veil or burka of some kind. But in the meantime I want to thank the governor and women of South Dakota for giving America yet another generation of underpaid, overweight Walmart workers. Way to reach for the stars!
Senate Democrats. Except for Russ Feingold, you are sniveling, craven ass-kissing pieces of shit who will never get another dime from me. The President is illegally wiretapping average Americans and only Feingold has the balls to call for a censure. You sleazebags continue to roll over and let America slide into the hands of the aforementioned fundamentalist snakes and lawbreakers. People died to preserve our Constitution, and you're letting them replace it with Jesus Christian Anderson's Biblical Fairy Tales. You should be fighting this assault like rabid dogs; conservative skin should be caked under your manicured fingernails. (I'm talking to you, Hillary Clinton, you triangulating whore). But no, you are an opposition party that rubberstamps everything the ruling party wants. No imagination, no vision for America, no moral obligation to the Bill of Rights. Off with your heads.
Moderate Muslims: Hello? Where are you? Do you exist, or are you unicorns? Where is this so-called "Religion of Peace" that I hear so much about? Oh, I understand your reticence. Whenever one of you steps forward to decry Muslim violence, your life is threatened and you have to go into hiding. (ex:
Wafa Sultan.) I don't know what to tell you. Your religion is insane at the moment. Where is your backbone? Can't you guys walk across hot coals at a Tony Robbins seminar and release your inner Moderate Muslim giants? Do something, for fuck's sake.
Catholics: The Boston Archdiocese will not allow gay couples to adopt hard-to-place children. Yes, it sounds like a pickle, but I have a solution for any gay Catholic who wants to become a parent. Join the priesthood! That way you have complete, unmonitored access to kids. And as long as you tell the other priests that you are
raping children, not
helping them with their homework, the Church will leave you alone!
But let's end on love, shall we Reader? A shout out to America's brave little pitbull, Israel. I believe that God's favorites have been chosen to take out Iran's nuclear facility. (We're busy in Iraq, recruiting for Al-Queda.) On the bright side- and correct me if I'm wrong, Moderate Muslims- no one in the Middle East likes Israel anyway. It can't get much worse, Hebrews, so go get 'em!
