So, KilBaby is living it up in Texas. I know he misses me, because I miss him. And we are a team. I’m making the most of my alone time. Last week, I finished my taxes, this week, it’s a script. And for the first time in almost a year, I do not feel guilty.
Most nights, I scurry home to be with KilBaby. He’s been with a stranger all day, I’m a terrible mother. If I have a spot and I’m leaving him again, with another stranger, just hours after I get home- terrible mother. If I don’t have a spot and I want to collapse on the couch… t.m.
Since he’s been born, I’ve felt this way. I still have big dreams, I still have selfish ambitions, even though this baby needs me.
When I feel guilty, I can’t look the person in the eye. I wonder if I’m doing that with my own son. Averting my eyes, hoping he doesn’t notice that I’m a terrible mother. I want to have a different mindset when he returns. Who wants to live with a guilt-ridden mother for 18 years? It’s no fun for either of us.
Us, in August.
