"...nothing says "I'm too busy for this Christmas shit," like a gift certificate from Barnes and Noble..."
God Broke Up With His Girlfriend Dot Com, Dec 29, 1998
Dear Reader, I have not seen my family for six months. Oh yes, we've talked
on the phone, but even frequent conversations cannot take the place of a
physical presence and if you don't believe me, it's time you had yourself
a load of phone sex. Am I still on speaker? Shit.
Anyway, let's guess which were my mother's first words to me as I passed though the doors of my childhood home, bogged down with gift certificates from Barnes and Noble. (After all, nothing says "I'm too busy for this Christmas shit," like a gift certificate from Barnes and Noble!). Our choices are...
A: "You look beautiful! Welcome home!"
B: "Tell us all about him!
(the Russian) We're so happy for you!"
C: "Are you still a vegetarian? Oh. Well, I'm cooking turkey for dinner. Goodness- do you really like your hair that blonde?"
If you chose C, Dear Reader, you are an honorary Irish Catholic. You win one raised brow, two narrowed eyes and a tofuburger with freezer burn.
The Russian broke up with his girlfriend to be with me and I have become what I despise, a girl in love. I giggle, I run my fingers through his hair while we wait for the subway and I kiss his neck during rush hour. I have twenty minutes of new material! I am a sickening hypocrite and if you don't like it, you can kiss my ass, but you'll have to pry his hands off it first.