".. You really want to shine like a movie star during the Finals and I didn't.."
Bummed But Present, Dec 12, 2000
I did not want to be here. On Friday morning, after a lackluster Aspen callback, I woke up an hour late, missing the $10.00 bus to Newark Airport, but in plenty of time for a $50.00 cab ride. Then I missed my 9:30 flight because when I changed the departure date of my ticket, Expedia had changed the ticket from an electronic ticket to a paper one, without telling me, without sending me a paper ticket. I brought only my drivers license, as I always do for an e-ticket.
"You can pay for a brand new ticket now, and we'll file a lost ticket claim and refund you the difference, minus a $70.00 re-issue fee," chirped the perky bird behind the desk at Delta.
I fought it with an Al Gore-esque precision. I just wanted the ticket that I originally paid for to count, I said. You see it's in the computer, and here I am, with my ID. I laughed and said certainly Delta would not want me to pay for a ticket that I had already paid for. I called Expedia and argued with three morons in succession while the 9:30 flight took off without me. Finally I gave up because the gig started tonight, not Jan 20th, and bought a $600.00 ticket for the 10:30 flight, which left a half hour late and got me to Atlanta in time to run across two terminals to my connection to Dallas Fort-Worth.
I landed at DFW as a crowd gathered around the TV. CNN was going live to Tallahassee and then the spokesman for the Florida Supreme Court announced what it announced. I was in enemy territory, surrounded by ten or so white male Texans. One off them began mumbling and shaking his head. No else chimed in though, and I said in a most California fashion, "Cool!" Then I bought a big cup of frozen yogurt.
My last flight landed exactly on time, and my luggage, the days' true underdog, came with it. I had two hours to shower and go over my act. I learned from my first two shows in Akron that I can't expect myself to fly through a fifty minute set on the road after a month of ten minute sets in New York City. I laid out the Road List, added a few new jokes to the mix and memorized it like I was going over the answers to a test. The shows were delicious, like pouring cold milk on dry, sugared corn flakes. It's fun to stretch out, even if I do have to do old material. It's a relief and it strengthens me so I can go back home and do ten minute spots in front of 4 people on a Monday.
The Aspen callback. I was worried about lots of little things: material, what I should wear, how could I get myself into the best mental place for killing. You think you're going on a ride, and you map out the journey. Here are the hills and valleys you will ride over, there are the tricky jumps and that's the finish line. You plan the course and visualize and then you hop an your horse and realize that the course is the least of your problems because this horse is sleepy and cranky and apathetic. Instead of flying like a gazelle over easy jumps, you will be yelling "yah" to your horse and hitting its ass with your crop to make it jump at all.
"Horse," you are screaming inside yourself, "these are the Olympic Trials! Come alive! Work with me!"
And you forget that your hair lost its curl and maybe this joke isn't the right one to tell because you have to get this horse moving. Maybe the horse wants to be asked where its from and what it does for a living, maybe it doesn't want to hear jokes but wants you to make fun of its friend, Bill, who is such a dork at work and its his birthday tonight and can you say something to humiliate him, but you can't do any of it because the judges flew in from Los Angeles to see you ride the course.
Do they take into account a difficult crowd? If everyone on a lineup doesn't have the set of his or her life, does that count too? I don't know. If other comics on other showcase nights have rocking crowds, they look way better than the comics on the night with a tired crowd.
I'll be surprised if I get Aspen after Thursday night. You really want to shine like a movie star during the Finals and I didn't, not like I wanted to. But Al Gore was down and out until yesterday afternoon and maybe the Florida Supreme Court can review my motion to dismiss the final-final callback set.
