"...Last Comic Standing feels so wrong..."
Bored and Appalled, March 7 2006
Sometimes there's so much to say that I can only shut up. Like Capone's bookkeeper... if you only knew what I know.
A vitamin is stuck in my throat. Every time I burp, little flecks of calcium and magnesium spray my mouth. I'm in a terrible mood. I'm not being challenged and I'm bored, resentful. Another writing job with almost no writing. Some shows think they need writers, but they don't. The reasons vary- the host won't use anything that he doesn't generate himself, or it's a reality show with inherently very little writing. But the result is the same. You sit in an office, day after day, feeling like you're wasting your tiny talent. Everyone around you is like, "it's cool, it's a writing job."
So what?
My hands should be calloused from typing, forging ugly thoughts into funny scripts.
Should be.
Aren't. They're soft and white. Bland and branded. I want to get dirty. I want to stay up all night because I can't figure out how to make a good script great. Insomnia, fear, panic attacks, that's living, my friends.
I have roadwork. It's been awhile since I just left town and did comedy. I was listening to sets from 4-5 years ago, when I was on the road and there's so much material I hope I don't need. I was listening, thinking,
yeah, ok, I see why they're laughing. But it's not me anymore. I've changed so much in the past three years. What I think is funny, what I want to say on stage. My old set and my new set don't sound alike.
I'm not auditioning for Last Comic Standing. I understand why so many comics are. Exposure. We're all desperate for exposure, something to put us over the top. But Last Comic Standing feels so wrong. They're trying to make it more like American Idol, with brutal judging. It's great tv to see someone torn apart. And it's ok on American Idol because most of the singers are amateurs. Singing is a natural talent, unlike standup. You're either born with a voice, or you're not. Good comedians are born funny, but you still have learn to make an audience laugh. I've always been funny, but it took
years to make strangers look at the world through my periscope.
And I'm still learning.
The judges on Last Comic Standing may look at a few William Hungs in the early audition process. But eventually, they will be judging professional comedians. And if their directive from the network is to Cowell it up, they'll be trashing real comedians as if they are amateurs. Because that's riveting television.
Once I witnessed a comedy competition which crowned an open miker the winner. The judges didn't realize (or care) that this amateur had taken a very famous comedian's act and re-written it, substituting one ethnicity for another. It wasn't fair, it wasn't right, and it didn't matter.
